Forgive Me, I Meant to Do It: False Apology Poems Read online

  Dedication

  To Susan Campbell Bartoletti,

  who led me down the poetry path

  Acknowledgments

  To my poetry teachers, who may deny any connection to me and this book—Kathleen Driskell, Molly Fisk, Sally Keith, Molly Peacock, Vivian Shipley, and Nancy Willard

  Contents

  Dedication

  Acknowledgments

  This Is Just to Say

  Introduction

  This Is Just to Say

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Also by Gail Carson Levine

  Back Ad

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  This Is Just to Say

  This Is Just to Say

  My bulldozer

  has flattened

  the thorny

  hedge

  which

  you mistakenly

  expected to sleep behind

  until the prince came

  Forgive me

  I’m charging tourists

  ten dollars

  to visit the castle

  This Is Just to Say

  While you were buying

  doll dresses

  I sanded off

  your Barbie’s face

  which

  you constantly

  patted

  and praised

  Forgive me

  her beauty

  was only

  skin deep

  This Is Just to Say

  Dwarves

  you snore

  pick your noses

  never take a bath

  although

  I always

  encourage you

  to be at your best

  Forgive me

  I’m making myself ugly

  and leaving

  with the witch

  This Is Just to Say

  You fell

  and cracked

  your skull

  on the hill

  where

  I had carefully

  placed

  a banana peel

  Forgive me

  Jill

  is now

  my girlfriend

  This Is Just to Say

  If you have feet

  I hope

  you put on

  slippers

  when

  my spaceship thunderously

  shattered

  your bedroom window

  Forgive me

  glass

  is unknown

  on my home planet

  Introduction

  This Is Just to Say

  Instead of at the beginning

  I slipped

  this introduction

  in here

  where

  my editor excruciatingly loudly

  screeched

  it does not belong

  Forgive me

  I also shredded

  her red pencil and stirred

  the splinters into her tea

  Blame my poems on the American poet William Carlos Williams,

  who lived from 1883 to 1963 and was a doctor as well as a poet.

  Here’s his false apology poem:

  This Is Just to Say

  I have eaten

  the plums

  that were in

  the icebox

  and which

  you were probably

  saving

  for breakfast

  Forgive me

  they were delicious

  so sweet

  and so cold

  —William Carlos Williams

  Imagine his wife coming downstairs in the morning after dreaming about those plums all night and waking up tasting them. Possibly she opens the icebox door (no refrigerators then) and finds a poem in the neatly washed-and-dried plum bowl. Maybe she laughs or maybe she goes for a very long walk or maybe she eats his breakfast and then writes her own false apology poem—

  Which you can do too. Many poets have written them, following the form invented by William Carlos Williams. But don’t even consider writing this kind of poem unless you can get yourself into a grouchy mood. You will be wasting your time.

  If you do decide to write, your poems should be mean, or what’s the point? Mine are, and William Carlos Williams’s is too, in its subtle way. He’s glad he got to those plums first!

  You don’t need a title, because William Carlos Williams has given you one, which can be repeated endlessly until your reader is completely sick of it. You also don’t need a new ninth line, because that’s always the same too: Forgive me. Notice that there are three stanzas, which you may agree are quite enough, and each stanza is four lines long, which you may think are four too many. The first stanza states the horrible offense. The second stanza describes the effect of the offense. The last stanza begins with “Forgive me” and continues with the false apology, because the writer is not sorry at all. There is no punctuation (how nice!), and the beginning words of only the first and ninth lines need to be capitalized. The line beginnings and endings substitute for capital letters and punctuation. Normally, capitals and punctuation help the reader understand, so be careful to end your lines in a way that is very clear, unless you want to confuse your reader, which might be the wisest course.

  Also, think about the rhythm of the lines. After you’ve cleared everyone out of the house, read your stanzas aloud to help you decide where to end a line. Funny poems are still poems.

  You don’t have to follow William Carlos Williams’s form exactly if you don’t want to. I haven’t. You can add or subtract lines and stanzas. Or you can abandon the form completely and write false apology poems in your own cruel way.

  For those of you who lack an ounce of mean and are reading this book only for research into the psychology of unpleasant people, you can write a real apology poem. However, even this will not be possible if you are too angelic to have anything to apologize for.

  Whatever way you do it, have fun and save your poems!

  —Gail Carson Levine

  This Is Just to Say

  This Is Just to Say

  I have eaten

  your hot fudge

  sundae

  and the cherry on top

  which

  I thoughtfully

  replaced

  with anchovies

  Forgive me

  I gave three spoonfuls

  of ice cream

  to the cat

  This Is Just to Say

  I baked

  a cottage

  made all

  of gingerbread

  which

  you and your sister

  will be unable

  to resist

  Forgive me

  I am hungry

  and I prefer my food

  young

  This Is Just to Say

  Tonight

  we are eating

  dinner

  at Aunt Mildred’s house

  although

  you will likely

  throw up

  when we get home

  Forgive me

  she made

  her peppermint-spinach pudding

  just for you

  This Is Just to Say

  I have chewed

  through

  the tall

  beanstalk

  which

  you recently

  stepped off

  way up there

  Forgive me

  I think

  I’m worth

  more than five magic beans

  This
Is Just to Say

  In your new prom dress

  I danced

  all night

  with your boyfriend

  who

  accidentally

  spilled grape juice

  on the skirt

  Forgive me

  the stain

  is almost

  too small to see

  This Is Just to Say

  I convinced

  Cupid

  to pair you

  with a warthog

  whom

  you will eternally

  cherish

  and love

  Forgive me

  warthogs

  are very

  affectionate

  This Is Just to Say

  The sharp teeth

  the fur all over your face

  and your new tail

  are family traits

  which

  are charmingly

  displayed in the portraits

  hanging in the den

  Forgive us

  we should have

  told you

  sooner

  This Is Just to Say

  A single rose

  adorned the table

  while I breakfasted

  on your daughter

  which

  proves regrettably

  that I am

  just a beast

  Forgive me

  please send

  her sisters

  by the next coach

  This Is Just to Say

  I recieved

  my Joon

  report

  card

  which

  says I’m definitly

  gonna be left

  way back

  Forgive me

  the kids

  in my new class

  ain’t been born yet

  This Is Just to Say

  I found

  an old lamp

  and called forth

  a genie

  who

  is busily

  granting

  my wishes

  Forgive me

  time-out and grounded

  and other unpleasant phrases

  can no longer be uttered

  This Is Just to Say

  I have cast

  a magic spell

  on Louie

  the bully

  which

  will soon

  turn him

  into a fly

  Forgive me

  my fly swatter

  is already

  ready

  This Is Just to Say

  I swiped

  your lucky

  baseball

  cap

  which

  made you tragically

  lose

  the state playoff

  Forgive me

  the cap

  keeps the sun

  out of my eyes

  This Is Just to Say

  Spreading

  across your skin

  is an itchy

  blistery rash

  which

  was deliberately

  caused by yours truly

  planting poison ivy on your lawn

  Forgive me

  next time

  pay me

  for mowing

  This Is Just to Say

  Ahead of you

  you should see

  a track

  switch

  which

  will certainly

  startle

  and confuse you

  Forgive me

  you think

  you can

  but you can’t

  This Is Just to Say

  I have shortened

  my nose

  with your saw

  because

  honestly

  telling lies

  is so much fun

  Forgive me

  I don’t care

  about becoming

  a real boy

  This Is Just to Say

  You may be jumping around

  and skipping

  pages

  in this book

  which

  I actually

  spent ten years

  arranging

  Forgive me

  I put the curse of the mummy

  on anyone

  who reads out of order

  This Is Just to Say

  To get my crimes

  off my chest

  I broke

  into the cemetery

  where

  I confessed

  to the bones

  and the tombstones

  Forgive me

  dead men

  tell

  no tales

  This Is Just to Say

  I moved recently

  into my new

  old

  house

  through which

  you ghoulishly

  expected to stump forever

  headless and trailing blood

  Forgive me

  residents

  must clean up

  after themselves

  This Is Just to Say

  I have run away

  from home

  with Muffie

  and

  they surprisingly

  let her

  on the plane

  Forgive me

  we just

  landed in—

  never mind

  This Is Just to Say

  They sing

  The bear

  went over

  the mountain

  which

  leads him repeatedly

  to see

  other mountains

  Forgive me

  no one sings the ending

  the landslide

  and the dead bear

  This Is Just to Say

  When you arrive

  I will not be

  lying

  in my bed

  where

  you hungrily

  hoped

  to find me

  Forgive me

  tell my granddaughter

  better one of us

  should live

  This Is Just to Say

  I heard

  screams

  coming from the cottage

  which

  I should valiantly

  and immediately

  have entered

  Forgive me

  at the time

  I preferred

  to finish my bubble bath

  This Is Just to Say

  I’m the one

  who stuck

  the cradle

  in the tree

  which

  was probably

  a stupid place

  to put a baby

  Forgive me

  I thought

  that bough would break

  sooner or later

  This Is Just to Say

  Last night

  I plucked

  your baby

  from your arms

  when

  you carelessly

  fell

  asleep

  Forgive me

  just guess my assumed name

  in the Dwarf

  Witness Protection Program

  This Is Just to Say

  I have sent

  a hungry lion

  into your parents’

  hotel room

  just when

  they were tenderly

  talking about

  how wonderful you are

  Forgive me

  I am

  starting

  an orphanage

  This Is Just to Say

  I confess

  I sliced off

  their skinny

  tails

  which

  they seemed awfully

  fond

  of waving

&nb
sp; Forgive me

  I wanted symmetry

  sightless in front

  tailless behind

  This Is Just to Say

  I, Rapunzel,

  and not the witch

  have lopped off

  my braid

  which

  you daily

  climbed

  to me

  Forgive me

  you’re not worth

  the pain

  in my scalp

  This Is Just to Say

  You screamed

  while I

  yanked out

  your hook

  which

  would doubtlessly

  have injured the crocodile

  when it ate you

  Forgive me

  I hate

  cruelty

  to animals

  This Is Just to Say

  Soon

  you will

  visit

  your cousins

  who thoughtlessly

  broke your bicycle

  and chewed your gum

  last time

  Forgive me

  you’re

  staying

  a month

  This Is Just to Say

  It was I

  who shoved